The Gifts Infertility Gave Me
While it’s been very easy to feel bitter over the past year and a half, I turned a corner during our IVF cycle. I no longer feel mad and angry at this process, but instead I feel grateful.
I recently had a 1-1 coaching session with Morgan Northway. As we were catching up during the first few minutes I was filling her in on our journey and she said, “How is this happening for you?”. I didn’t know how to answer. I am so used to thinking “why is this happening to me”, that I never thought about why this could be happening FOR me. She had journal down my thoughts, and after writing them on paper, and talking through them with her, I couldn’t believe how much I’ve accomplished.
Without this heartbreaking and difficult process, I wouldn’t have… reconnected with so many friends, or joined a support group. I wouldn’t have discovered acupuncture and meditation, and gone on a full wellness weekend to Miraval. I wouldn’t have started THIS BLOG, therapy, or connected with my husband in the way that we have so early in our marriage.
While I don’t wish this journey on anyone, I’m starting to realize all of the ways this has happened FOR me. How it’s truly helped me grow as a person, and I’m certainly thanking God for that.
Spending more time with my Husband, and a deeper connection and understanding with each other: Very early on in our journey one afternoon, Jonathan gave me a huge bear hug and said, “if this is the hard thing that we have to deal with in our first few years of marriage, then we are lucky.” — and while his positive attitude sometimes drove me crazy, he was right. We are SO lucky to have the lives that we do, and if this was the thing that was going to be challenging for us, then we would get through it, together.
Reconnecting with old friends: Social media is an incredibly powerful tool and community, and I was so fortunate to reconnect with multiple friends (from middle school, high school, and college), who happen to be going through their own fertility journey at the same time as I am. One of them even joined the Yinova support group with me and we did it together!
Went on my first Wellness Trip: I talk a lot about our trip to Miraval here. We took this trip between our IUI cycles in early March 2020 (right before Covid). One class in particular that we took during our 3 day stay was Understanding Barriers to Connection, where we identified our communication challenges and strengths by moving a horse around the pen without touching or speaking to it. After a few minutes, I was feeling frustrated because the horse wouldn’t move when I was trying to move it. Finally, the teacher had me pick up a whip and move it around on the ground so the horse would hear the sound and he eventually started walking. The instructor asked me how I felt about using the whip and I said, “I don’t want to have to use assistance to make this successful, I want to be able to do it on my own” and I immediately started crying. How I felt about having to ask for help, and use assistance with the horse, was exactly how I felt about the fertility process. I didn’t want help or need to use assistance to get pregnant, I wanted it to happen naturally. The woman who led this course for Jonathan and I was a very well trained therapist. She reminded me that it’s OK to get help. It doesn’t make the journey any less special or rewarding. Cue the tears!!
This Blog: I had always thought about starting some sort of blog or space to write my travel itineraries, but I never felt like I had the time, and the perfectionist in me wanted it to be PERFECT before I did anything. As the fertility journey started to take over my life, I realized I needed an additional hobby to keep my mind busy, and that’s when I decided to launch this blog. While I still don’t really know what I’m doing on here, it’s been so fun to create a website, write content, take photographs, and enjoy the process of learning something new.
Meditation and acupuncture: While I’ve always loved the thought of Chinese medicine, I didn’t really get into it until going through this process. The acupuncturists at The Yinova Center are so incredibly knowledgable and specifically work with fertility patients. I always look forward to my sessions because I leave feeling so relaxed. I’ve also gotten so much better at meditating, and I especially love using Mindful IVF and Headspace for my daily meditations. While I started doing both acupuncture and meditation for fertility, I will 100% be continuing these as they are both so good for the soul and mind.
More open, vulnerable, and emotional: I never expected to share this experience or process with anyone. I thought it might take a few months, maybe 6 months, maybe even a year, and then I’d be pregnant and on my way. But that hasn’t been the case, and it’s been a huge relief for me to be open and vulnerable with others. The support I’ve received from friends near and far has been hugely helpful in my journey. It’s a taboo topic that most people don’t talk about but for some reason, I feel my heart wanting to talk about it. LOUDLY. So I’m embracing that, and I hope it means that when I get to the other side, I can be an even better support system for others going through it.
Saying Yes to Therapy: While I initially went to therapy to help with the fertility process, it’s given me so much more than that. I’ve been able to peel back layers and layers within me and work through things that I’ve been holding onto for years.
Feeling all the feelings: This is a tough one. I’ve cried harder than I thought possible and felt feelings I never knew existed. I remind myself often to ride the wave. Instead of pushing our feelings and emotion away, let them come. Feel them. Cry if you want to cry, and let your feelings pass just as quickly as they came, just like a wave.
Journaling: I used to journal a lot as a teenager, but started to get back into it over the past 2 years. it has been hugely helpful for me during this progress to write down my feelings and to look back at them to see how far I’ve come. Sometimes I just write down whatever is on my mind, other nights, I use journal prompts to help get my thoughts flowing.
Understanding and helping others: I’ve always been a deeply empathetic person, but there’s truly no way to understand how someone feels going through this journey unless you’ve been through it yourself. A psychologist who spoke in my support group compared the feelings to that of someone experiencing grief or sickness. I feel really grateful to be able to help others going through similar journeys and I have such a deep amount of love and understanding of those who have been through this journey before me.
Joining a support group: The power of connecting with other women who are going through a similar journey is indescribable. I joined a 12 week course through The Yinova Center, and it was hands down the most impactful this group was on my life. I feel so lucky to have been a part of it.